I’ve been disappointed the last few months. I’ve been trying to get pregnant since the middle of summer, but every month, I’ve had to deal with seeing the same disappointment: a negative test result.
I am not going to lie. I thought my dream of becoming a mother would be easier than this. My expectations of a perfect life led me to believe that the journey to parenthood would happen smoothly. I didn’t expect to be so disappointed on the path to find my perfect life.
I have battled against so many feelings as the negative tests came and went. So many of my friends are getting pregnant, and having children, and I didn’t know what to do with the extreme emotions that I felt. It brings me incredible joy to watch my friends experience the life they’ve hoped for for years. But it also makes me defensive, disappointed, and callous, because they are living the life I want for myself.
The sadness and confusion I felt the first month wasn’t terrible and I was able to shrug it off. But the disappointment lingered like a shadow in the back of my mind, so I just ignored it and hoped it would go away as we tried again. But then, the next month, the same thing happened. Nothing. Every time my dreams didn’t work out, I felt a little more disappointed, confused, and lost, and the shadows in my mind grew into darker clouds, and I started down a very bad mental path.
I tried to put on a brave face and attitude while I was stuck in this cycle. I tried to tell myself I only want blessings to happen when God wants me to have them, and God’s timing is right. But as the negative tests kept coming back, I stopped thinking about God, or his timing. I only started thinking about myself, and what I wanted. Once the seeds of selfishness, and entitlement rooted in my mind, my problems really began to grow.
My husband and I kept on trying in the following months. Though it was fun quality time together, and good exercise, my feelings of disappointment at the end of each month led me deeper into confusion.
Rather than trying to understanding the root cause of these feelings, I fell into bad habits of ignoring them. I slid further into the abyss of numbness, and an unhealthy cycle of hope and disappointment mixed with reality became my monthly routine.
After five months of this, the last month led me to my breaking point.
I didn’t know why I felt so unhappy at first. I had sunk into such a deep hole that I had lost track of the way out. All the false hope, disappointment, and confusion had become so normal to me, that I had lost track of where my normal life and attitude was. Rather than fight against it, I made the mistake of accepting this nasty cycle as my new normal.
My grip on a positive attitude started to slip, and my disappointed attitude crept in as my new normal. It was like how the darkness of night appears each evening. The sun sets slowly, and you don’t realize how dark it is until you can barely see. Without me realizing it, depression and numbness were infecting my mind and making me sick. My selfishness sucked all the joy out of me like a black hole, leaving me so unsatisfied with my daily life that I wasn’t able to see all of the amazing things God has blessed me with.
I thought I was doing the right thing by talking about my feelings with my husband. (Click here to read the story of how my husband and I fell in love.) But just talking about it wasn’t enough, and I failed to do more. If I would have evaluated my entire life, I would have seen that the real reason I was fighting with depression wasn’t because I couldn’t get pregnant.
My real problem was with the way I was CHOOSING to handle my disappointment of not getting my way. I was just pruning the branches of my problems, without getting to the root of them.
I went to Substance church last weekend like I always try to do, and I heard three things that woke me up from my disappointed attitude:
1) “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
This helped me understand why I felt so sick and depressed. I wanted to be a mom when “I wanted” to be one. The key word there was the selfish “I wanted.” Rather than trusting God, and his timing, I chose to have a selfish and entitled attitude, rather than celebrating all of the other great things that have happened in my life the last few years.
2) “For I know the plans I have for you. They are the plans for good and not disaster; plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I consider myself having strong faith, so I don’t know why I question God sometimes, but I do. Questioning God for what I don’t have, rather than celebrating God for what I do have, is one of the biggest mistakes I often make. These thoughts always end in disappointment and depression for me. I need to do a better job realizing I am heading down this path, so I can start avoiding it altogether.
3) “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.” Psalms 37:4
I started choosing to see my anger, fear, and disappointment, rather than all the amazing things I have in my life. It never fails. Fear, anger, selfishness, and an entitled attitude lead me into a very dark place every time.
I have to remember I have a husband who helps me grow; a beautiful home; and opportunities every day to find my dreams in life. My husband and I are still learning how to best work together as a team, and without a child, we have the time to focus on making sure we’re Ok. We also have the freedom and time to explore our paths, and our own adventures, without worrying about caring for dependent children. We have a great life: I shouldn’t be wishing this time away right now. I have to remember to be grateful for the awesome life I do have, rather than disappointed in the life I don’t have.
As we drove home, I realized my problem was that I had created a fantasy that I would get pregnant right away. No one ever promised me this. I made the mistake of comparing my reality to a fantasy. I felt entitled that I deserved to live my fantasy; that I’d earned it. This was the source of my sadness because life doesn’t work this way. We have to be grateful for the life that we’re given.
As we drove home, a thought struck and woke me up to the reality I’m living in. I remembered that there is evil in this world too. Evil wants to kill, steal, and destroy the happiness I have. It wants me to feel selfish, entitled, and disappointed when my desires aren’t fulfilled. It wants me to miss out on the awesome moments of life that I do have. My positive attitude suddenly woke up, and I fought against the shadows in my mind like they were snakes trying to strangle the life out of me. I suddenly realized: If I want to be a winner in my life, I can’t let that evil voice win in my mind.
This is the path we all have to choose if we want to reach the life and wealth we dream about. Overcoming these challenges, and exhibiting an awesome attitude through them, is the key to fixing our disappointment.
In conclusion, as I wait to see if I will one day be a mother, I’ve learned that waiting for our dreams to come true is one of the most excruciating challenges to endure in life. If I give up; evil will win. If I am patient and fight through the adversity; I will have a chance to win. And I am here on this earth to win.
What lessons have you learned as you waited for your dreams to come true?