The first step I took to find my real-self was going on a mission to destroy the lies I tell myself to fit in. The way to create wealth is simple: we must learn from our mistakes; put our revelations into practice; and destroy the poisonous lies we tell ourselves to fit in.
I learned a lot about myself this last weekend as I took a trip to Denver, Colorado. My goal was to become more aware of my thoughts than I’ve ever been. This is the story of how I won against the lies I tell myself, and began to destroy them like the evil snakes that they are.
I traveled to Colorado to attend a family member’s birthday party. I’ll be honest, seeing my family has always been one of the hardest things for me to do. I don’t know why, but I always feel desperate to be accepted by them. They are some of the closest people in my life; who have watched me stumble through the years to find myself; but even in our closeness, I have an internal fear of not being understood by them.
To feel accepted, I have often compromised my own values, so that I could appear more exciting and interesting than I really feel about myself. Being a Christian all my life, I have always had this deep fear that my family wouldn’t find me cool or interesting, and instead think I am boring or too-righteous-for-my-own-good because of my beliefs. To overcome this fear of loneliness, I would often pretend I am someone I am not.
I know this is dysfunctional thinking. And I totally have to admit that I have no idea where this dual-personality complex came from. No one from my family has ever told me they didn’t like me. I made it up, and I imagined a lot of my own fears. The more I stressed about them, the more my fears became real in my own mind.
Over time, I adopted these lies as truths, and I distorted the way I acted to fit in with the lies. I know it’s crazy, but I just realized I have been doing this my entire life. Rather than being the interesting, honest, and likable person I really am, I have been caving in to the power of the lies I created.
On this trip to Colorado, I decided enough was enough, and I am sick of becoming this fake person around family. The weight of these lies has become too great of a burden to carry. On this trip, I decided I was going to improve the quality of my life by destroying these three lies I tell myself so I could find myself again:
Lie I tell myself #1:
Strangely, food has been a major issue in my life which I have used to hide behind. I would use food to escape, and hide from the real issues in my life. But ultimately, no matter what, or how much I ate, I would never feel satisfied with myself. God woke me up to this problem when I did THE WHOLE 30 DIET recently. The diet turned out to be like an extended fast for me, where I was able to remove my harmful desires for food, deal with my digestive issues, and find God’s voice and my true-self again. When I was able to say no to my negative reliance on food, I was able to find a closer relationship with God again.
I was terrified my family would judge me for my improved eating habits. I only choose to eat healthy foods now, and I was terrified of being judged and alienated by the people I care the most about. I was afraid of giving them the impression that I thought I was better than them by what I choose to eat.
But to my surprise, I found that my family thought I was even more interesting because of my discipline and my search to find the healthy lifestyle I believe in. Saying no to food, and staying true to myself, turned out to be one of the most liberating experiences of my life. I planned ahead – I cooked my own meals – I found new confidence in myself in the place I least expected it = in the midst of my family who I have been afraid of offending my whole life.
Lie I tell myself #2:
This one is embarrassing for me to admit, but I had a bad habit of using curse words whenever I was around friends or family. I have no idea of where this behavior came from, but I just felt so desperate to be accepted, that I ignored my own values so that I could bond with others. It was a ridiculous act that I would put on, and I have no idea where it came from. No one ever told me I had to swear to fit in, but I listened to the lies in my mind, and I believed that swearing was required part of being liked and I did it. I tried to use the swear words as a ladder I could climb to being liked and accepted, but in the end, what a stupid idea it was! If anything, the curse words would tear me down inside, and leave me feeling depressed, because I could feel myself abandoning my values in the process.
I was determined to make this trip different, and I did. Before I left Minnesota, I made a conscious decision to destroy this mask of swear words I would wear so that I could stay true to who I am. With God’s help, I was able to do it, and I left Colorado feeling better than I ever have before because I stayed true to the person I am becoming.
Lie I tell myself #3:
Alcohol. Again, I have no idea where this lie in my mind originated, but I started to believe that if I acted like an experienced drinker, then I would be better liked and respected by those who drank. I would make a fool out of myself by drinking small amounts of beer and wine, and then get loud, and act ridiculous, thinking I was impressing people in the process. I was so afraid of being “the different one,” in the family, that I would go over the top acting really like “the different one.” Most of the time, rather than presenting myself as the woman I truly am, I would present myself as a fool, because I believed a lie in my mind that told me that people would rather like a false version of myself than the real, true me. I refused alcohol on this trip when it was offered to me, because I know in my own heart, I really don’t like it!
Ultimately, I made a decision before I left home that I was finally going to stand up and be myself when I face adversity in life. The adventure to find my true self, and purpose in life, was going to start on this trip. If people weren’t willing to love the real me for being different, that it wasn’t my responsibility to be someone I am not to make them more comfortable. By being myself, I found out who I really want to be, and my revelation was, that the only way to find confidence in yourself is to stand up and fight against the lies we make in our minds.
When you go against the role you were born into, it can make you feel lonely and afraid, but in the end, you have to do it because your happiness and health are the only things that matter in this life. I really learned this on this trip:
You can’t inspire people to find themselves, if you’re so busy telling yourself lies to fit into places you shouldn’t be in the first place!
Let God and the Holy Spirit guide you to who you’re supposed to be, and don’t settle for the lies we have turned into truths in our minds. A person overflowing with wisdom, is really one of the wealthiest people you will ever meet. This is the type of human beings we try to become here.
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Great writing Amanda! Way to go.
One would think it’s easy to control what you put in your mouth, but it’s not. The Whole 30 Diet is not easy in my opinion, so kudos to you for doing it and to your family for not trying to get you to waiver. That’s the thing with food and families. I don’t think they really mean to interfere but we project our own attitudes in situations such as “She’ll be really mad at me if I don’t eat her pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.” And most of the time, no one even notices or cares what we do. And if they do pipe up, just a simple “My stomach has been bothering me” is enough to get them to back off.
Not to go shrink on you, but it might help to try to figure out where some of those lies you told yourself came from. Maybe you can identify when the feelings began. Since you’re doing a great job overcoming them I wouldn’t spend a lot of time analyzing it. But it might be a way to keep them from coming back or to keep other lies at bay.
I’ve struggled with food in the past. And I made up rules for myself that at times were very rigid and I didn’t fit in, especially when I was younger and friends went to dinner all hours of the night. I don’t like to eat dinner late, especially restaurant dinners. I try my best to stay away from Mexican food. The portion sizes and all the cheese and salt are no good for me. And I eat Chinese food once or twice a year. Again, the salt just makes me feel like crap and it’s too easy to put on weight from it. Luckily for me, Mr Groovy is not a big eater. That being said, we just returned from a 10 day road trip and we ate bbq, mac n cheese, gumbo and other foods I rarely eat the whole time. On days we had big lunches we went out for ice cream for dinner. I would have been fine with gaining 5 pounds but luckily the scale didn’t budge.
I love exploring my own thoughts to find deeper truths as to who I am, so I will definitely keep working at trying to find the root cause to some of these lies I have made up. You can go shrink on me at any time. I know that with time, I will find the reason for these negative thoughts I have imagined. Thank you for your support, and your great description of your own problems with food. That is exactly what goes through my own mind! The whole 30 was incredibly difficult, and I wanted to give up many times, but it was exactly what I needed at that time. I needed to feel pain, discipline, and sacrifice so that I could grow, and those are exactly the experiences the diet gave me. I am glad to hear that I am not alone in this journey. I will keep on doing what I can to stay true to myself. Thanks Mrs. Goovy!
Just so you know, there is someone in Colorado who loves you just the way you are!
Thanks Aunt Ruth! That means a lot!
You can come visit again anytime. You can eat whatever you want, drink whatever you want and swear like a sailor if you want. I know the real you and I love it. Glad you made progress and I encourage you to keep being you!!!
Thanks Renee. I really appreciate all the love and support you have given us. I will keep on being me and we will come out soon. Love you!
Hi Amanda, I just found your blog and wanted to say how much I appreciated your honesty in this post. I’m sure it was not easy to put all that out there for the world to see, and so I just wanted to encourage you to keep up the good work!! It is through seeing and reading about the real struggles of others, especially the ones who we all think have it figured out, that we feel less alone and more willing to both share these thoughts ourselves as well as take the stands that you described in your post.
I am also a huge fan of the Whole 30 and Melissa in general, and my wife and I did a Whole 30 in September of last year. It was a struggle for sure but well worth the dietary and alcohol reset point. I still feel the positive effects and am currently doing a slightly modified Whole 30 in January as well.
It is always insightful the many parallels there are between the diet/exercise world and the world of finances.
Again, great to find your blog and keep up the good work!
Mike
Thank you so much Mike. I appreciate you stopping by and leaving me the comment and encouragement. Can I ask how you found us? It isn’t always easy to bare your sole but I have found that it is so worth it to find confidence in yourself. In order to find the deeper, true identity of other people, you first need to be open and vulnerable yourself. It is a beautiful thing to truly meet the real version of someone, and I love seeing it happen like this. I long to help people through my own journey. Struggle and change doesn’t have to go to waste if you are willing to reveal it, and use it for something better.
The Whole 30 was a great experience for me. By no means it was easy, but so worth it. I learned a lot about myself and that it really helped strengthen me as a whole person. I have changed the way I eat, I found confidence in myself, and my life changed for the better because of it.
It’s awesome that you appreciated this writing. My husband and I write each article hoping that it can help at least one person. Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Come back and comment again soon.