Today I’m going to share some cold, bold, and blunt truth I’ve been learning recently: “If you listen to what feels good in your life, you’ll find that voice is often a liar.”
I feel like we’re living in an age that defines normalcy as: “Do whatever makes you feel good.” But from my experience, doing things that make you feel good starts off well, but ends in a horribly unhealthy way to live. Here is my personal story about the struggle I have when I pursue this “do whatever feels good” way to live life.
Personally, I am finding that my personal “feel good” feelings often lie to me. They tell me to take the easy way out of my deep-rooted problems. Doing what feels good leads me to try to cover my pain with resolutions that take the least amount of effort, and they push me toward all the instant gratification options that are available in front of me. Pursuing my “feel good” feelings never challenges me to work harder, or sacrifice more to find happiness. For me, doing what “feels good” leads me to into a never-ending cycle of dysfunction and unfulfilled hope.
For the last 2 years, I have struggled on and off with how hard it has been to get pregnant. There, I said it. It’s not easy to show weakness, or admit there’s something wrong with me. Vulnerability is something I have a hard time comfortably sharing with others. A lot of people tell me not to worry about it. They say it’ll happen eventually, and it will come at the right time. But in reality, those words hurt, because it makes me feel like I should be getting pregnant any day, and it’s my fault that I am not. I know I am interpreting these words and feelings in the wrong way. It’s my fault that I tell myself that the reason I can’t get pregnant is because something deep down is wrong with me and that I am broken.
On top of that, I also struggle with feeling like a failure since I can’t accomplish what I want. My physical failures, combine with my mental failures, and I start to think that I am a failure which makes everything feel ten times worse than it really is. I first feel shame, and then I feel embarrassment for believing these self-defeating thoughts. As a result, I find myself withdrawing from life more, and I spiral into a worse mental state.
A lot of this has been happening subconsciously recently. I didn’t realize that I was feeling this way until this week when I was thinking to myself: “Why does it bother me when people try to be positive about my pregnancy situation which I feel negative about?”
Then it dawned on me: I struggle with wanting things that haven’t been promised or guaranteed to me.
I struggle with wanting things because I think I want them, even though I have no idea what having them is like. For example, on social media, through the window of my friends, I can see what having a child looks like. I can imagine all of the good things I could experience if I could have. But I don’t know their whole story, and I don’t know all of the rest of the things they’re going through. I am not mad at them for the life they have. But these fantasies of a perfect life I imagine for myself make me sad that I don’t have the life I wish I had in my dreams. I try to suppress these feelings, but I’m learning that hiding from your feelings of inadequacy and imperfection, just make them worse.
But now that I know what my problem is: That I struggle with wanting a fantasy life that I can’t will into existence on my own, in the timing I want, I still have to find a solution to my feelings of inadequacy or they will eat me alive. If I don’t find a solution to my pain, I’ll be accepting my dysfunction as a normal part of my life which I don’t want to do.
The first thought that comes to me is the way that I try to fix the way I hide my pain with the “feel good” feelings I talked about in the beginning of this article. I have a horrible habit of coping with my problems by avoiding them, and distracting myself with things that temporarily make me “feel good” whether they’re helping me or not.
I must become more honest with myself. The things I pursue that just make me “feel good,” are often the same things that amplify my problems because they don’t solve my problems, they just hide them.
I start to consume things not because they’re helping me become healthier, but because they whisk me away from my personal dysfunction temporarily, and make me feel good. I do it over and over again with media, food, and people. I focus on what’s going on in other people’s lives, because it is easier to daydream about their lives rather than deal with the pain and struggles in my own life. I consume negative thoughts in my brain because it makes me feel like my pain is leaving me for a bit. It’s easier to embrace negativity because it takes almost no effort, than it is to create change and positivity because that takes a lot of effort.
I can’t take it anymore, but I believe there is a way to slay this monster. Now is the time I take action or my sadness will take action over me.
First, it’s time I face my problems and at least get a physical and medical evaluation. In doing this, I am overcoming a giant fear of possibly hearing that something is wrong with me. But I realize it’s better to learn something than to be afraid of something.
Second, I have to get into a healthier routine. I’ve let this area slip the last couple of months with being too busy, and choosing to wallow in self-pity and sadness. I need to eat better, be more active, increase my discipline to learn more, and re-connect with my faith and spiritual beliefs.
Third, it’s time I take control and do what’s actually good for me, and not just what feels good for me. I always get into this cycle where things go great for me for a long time, and then I get sad or disappointed about something, and then rather than fight against it, I allow it to make me feel bad about myself.
This shame then pulls me down into depression and dysfunction. I start believing in insecure lies about myself, and start believing that is easier to avoid everything than accept the fact that pain and disappointment are a natural part of life that everyone experiences. I have chosen and played the role of the weak and oblivious in my life for too long. It’s time I fight against average, and choose to be great.
I’ll be honest, I partly wrote this post as a statement of accountability to get my life on track. I am pursuing the dream of financial independence so that it can help me create a life of purpose, happiness, giving, and creativity that I can live full-time.
But that grandiose dream of living my dream life starts with choosing to be a healthier person today. To live my dream life, I have to become comfortable facing my problems rather than running from them. Ultimately, I have to sacrifice the things that make me temporarily “feel good” for the actions that actually make me a more successful person in the long run. I need to fix my whole person, and not just the symptoms that are easy to notice.
Thank you for reading this and following me on my journey. I’m going to try to write more to provide future updates with how things are going on my journey to have a healthier life inside and out. I want my happiness and freedom back. I want to be happy with my life. Are there any areas you would like me to document on my journey? What struggle derail your health in your life?
I give an update at the bottom of this post a few weeks later after we met with a doctor: The Cost to Meet With A Fertility Specialist.
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